What’s the buzz, tell me what’s-a-happenin’

They say it’s been a bad summer/season for scavenger wasps, and I couldn’t agree more.  When we were camping on Lake Erie ofver the Labour Day weekend, a few of us went to the beach and as soon as we popped a beverage, there were dozens of the little shites, just everywhere.  The Genealogist and I tried to have a cold drink out on our deck last weekend, and as soon as we sat down the wasps were all like “oh hai!  you guys have beer!  we love beer!”.  So that put an end to that pretty quick.  It’s a pain in the ass, because our summer was so stupidly wet and cold and crappy, and now that it’s at least sunny 6 days out of 7, it would be nice to enjoy the outdoors before the snow flies (which given the coldness of my nose before I got out of bed this morning could be tonight, for all I know – brrr). 

Anyway, we’ve had a bit of a problem with these waspy buggers getting in the house (no I don’t mean our neighbours haha!).  Our main floor bathroom seems to have one or two at any given time.  Fortunately they’re dopey as all get out, so they don’t bother us too much – they just fly around all stupid-like, banging into the mirror, the lights, etc. and then most of the time they just succumb to their own stupidity.  Occasionally we have to whack them and dispose of the bodies.  And lately, the wasp graveyard has become a little on the overcrowded side.  Hmmm.  So that prompted us to take a look around.  Holes in the screen in the bathroom window?  No, good.  Holes in the screen door leading out to the backyard?  No, good.  Boys leaving the everloving door open as they breeze in and out?  Oh hell yeah.  But could that actually account for the copious numbers of wasps each day?  Not likely.  There had to be an explanation!

Let me backtrack a little bit and tell you about our upstairs bathroom.  No window there, but there’s been the occasional wasp up there too.  Such a puzzle.  We figured well maybe some of them are even more stupid that we thought, and they were just flying upstairs to try to get out.  It happens.  So it’s been annoying, but manageable.

The other day as I was killing another three in the main floor bathroom, The Genealogist said, rather smartly, “do you think there’s a nest outside above the window?”  Aha!  Brilliant.  That would explain the sheer numbers of them, but not really how they’re getting in. Hmmmm.  So after work yesterday I went to pick up the mail at the side of the house and had a look at the bathroom window from the outside.  No nest at all, but what i did notice when I looked up – looked wayyyyy up – that there is a bit of exposed brick (our house is brick, but painted) that caught my eye.  And as I watched, at least a dozen wasps were FLYING IN TO MY HOUSE THROUGH A LITTLE HOLE IN THE BRICK!!

So I showed The Genealogist what I’d discovered, and so we thought, well at least we know where they’re coming in.  As we went back inside, we both thought it was odd though, that while the hole is near the upstairs bathroom, they were coming in to the main floor bathroom.  And then I had a realization: “But that explains the humming sound in the upstairs bathroom”, I said.  And then I freaked the fuck out.

You see, lately we’d been noticing a faint sound, that was hard to describe, coming from the wall behind the sink.  I thought at first it was just the pipes (old house, lots of creaks) or maybe (ewww) mice?  But no, it was too – I don’t know – rhythmic, I guess is the best word.  Very faint, but pretty constant.  So now we know.  Great.  Thousands upon thousands of wasps, living in our wall.  And we think they are coming through the fan in the main floor bathroom.  Holy shit.

So far, as I’ve said, it hasn’t been too crazy, and not at all like a 70s disaster movie, (and really, what was it about the 70s that there were so many crazy-ass movies about killer bees and wasps and other bugs?) but still.  It’s a bit disturbing to know you’re sharing your home with these things.  It’s not like it’s an annoying nest near your front door, but rather that they’re IN YOUR HOUSE.  What’s separating us from the nest in the wall?  Ancient drywall, that’s what!  I, for one, am not convinced that that is enough.

So we have called the wasp-remover people, but they can’t come until Monday.  WTF?  Don’t they realize we could be dead?!  Stung to death?  Won’t someone please think of the children?  Ah well.  We’ve managed thus far, hopefully there won’t be any trouble.

And if not?  Well, fortunately I have watched enough movies to know that I can totally make a flamethrower using a lighter and a can of hairspray:  “Suck it, wasps!  Where’s your queen now?! Bow to the new Queen of the Wasps!”

Which in my case, totally works on so many levels.

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